I want to try and get my feelings about this on paper (“paper”), but there’s a problem with that because I don’t know what my feelings ARE.

So let me document.

Friday evening, after a long and difficult week at work, I came home and sat down on the toilet to see a lot of blood in my underwear. No woman ever likes to see blood in her underwear (even when you’re hoping not to be pregnant, it’s kind of a mixed bag because periods suck), but for me, it was an added layer of NOPE. This is how all of my miscarriages began, and so I was more than a little frustrated–not really afraid (well, a little), but more angry because literally why does this keep happening to me?

I called the emergency nurse line for the IVF place, and they told me that bleeding was pretty common in early pregnancy, that if I wasn’t filling a pad or passing clots, I should just take it easy and wait until my ultrasound on Monday to see what was going on.

So the weekend passed as usual, and also not as usual. This pregnancy has been really rough on me, and I wasn’t sure why. The morning sickness has been worse, the fatigue, sore breasts, all of it has been way worse than it ever was with Sam. I had plans for this weekend, but most of them ended up put off so that I could spend long hours of each day sleeping, so tired that I fell asleep the second my head hit the pillow and didn’t move from one position the entire time.

(which says something because I usually sleep like an egg beater)

I didn’t tell Kyle exactly how tired I was feeling–or Kat, for that matter–because I didn’t want them to worry, but I think they picked up on it. And I think we all assumed that hey, pregnancy is balls, I’m just going to have to ride this out.

Today arrived, and I was ready for the ultrasound. I half expected to go in and see nothing, an empty uterus or a misshapen, ungrown fetus that they’d have to remove surgically. I had accepted it; I felt calm and, really, mostly just tired. Really, REALLY tired. We had our favorite ultrasound tech again, and within a few seconds of the ultrasound beginning, we saw something that has basically settled us both into stunned silence ever since.

We saw twins.

Two gestational sacs, both measuring about 7 weeks, 2 days (I’m 7 weeks, 5 days, but for twins they just like the sacs to be within two weeks, size-wise). Two yolk sacs, both measuring about the same size. Two fetuses, one measuring 7 weeks, 5 days and the other measuring 7 weeks, 3 days. Two heartbeats, one at 157 beats per minute and the other at 131 beats per minute. Everything looks great. Everything looks perfect.

And we’re having twins.

I’m–stunned, honestly. That’s the best word I can use to describe how I feel at the moment. This has obviously always been a possibility–and even a probability–but I never actually expected it. We’ve had such bad luck up until now, and the thought that just one of the embryos we transferred was growing strong was fantastic. To think that two were in there, growing strong, with healthy heartbeats and at exactly the right size?

Never mind that twins–TWINS–are just… it staggers your mind. Having one baby is crazy enough, but two at once? I can’t wrap my mind around it. How do you even begin to process this? Twins is something that happens to other people, not me.

I mean, I’m happy. I’m genuinely happy. Once this actually sinks in, I may even ascend to “thrilled” territory, but I just–

I have NO idea how to process this! I can’t even start planning, that’s how stunned I am! I plan everything, and I just– I know that we need like. A double stroller. Two more car seats. Another crib. Probably two bassinets. Twice the bottles. Twice the formula (holy shit we are going to go broke). Twice the diapers (AAAAAA). Two bouncy chairs. Two of everything.

But legitimately, WHAT IS LIFE EVEN? I AM HAVING TWINS. AAAAAA.